


I bare my skin, I count my sins

by Amber_Flicker



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, this is a pile of angst okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 11:17:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6114824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker/pseuds/Amber_Flicker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was when he was alone, skin broken in all too precise lines and dripping with blood as red as his suit, that he let the depression and self loathing he hid during the day consume him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I bare my skin, I count my sins

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons

It was when he was alone, skin broken in all too precise lines and dripping with blood as red as his suit, that he let the depression and self loathing he hid during the day consume him. No one knew, couldn't know, because he healed far too quickly for there to be any scars left. Even as he sliced into his own skin he could _feel_ it knitting itself back together, hiding the visible proof of his despair. Washing away the blood until the only residue left was the pain hidden in his eyes. 

What would the world think of their precious hero if they knew he was just as weak as they were?

Even in a relationship it remained a secret. When they shed their clothes he was always healed. Len had no idea, and he wanted it to stay that way. Barry would never burden him with his problems.

With Zoom around and causing problems tension was higher than ever, and the amount he was cutting was too. He engaged in his vice daily now, as opposed to the once a week(at most) he had before. He almost hoped one day he'd cut too deep for it to heal. It's not like he was any good at saving or protecting people anymore. Honestly it was inevitable that someone would walk in on him, and he supposed if it had to be someone he was glad it was Len. As selfish as that was. 

His boyfriend didn't react as horribly as he'd expected. No disappointment or anger or disgust. He sat beside Barry and gently took the blade away, then cleaned up the blood. By the time he was done the cuts had healed. Len didn't say anything, just sat beside him and didn't pressure him. Barry could feel tears running down his face. The silence was killing him, but he didn't really want to talk either, didn't know what he could say. That he was a mess? That he fucked up everyone and everything he touched and he'd completely understand if Len hated him now and didn't want to be with him? He opened his mouth to blurt out the latter, but all that came out was a sob.

"Shhh." Len held him and for some reason it just made him cry even harder. They stayed like that, Len whispering soothing sounds and words to him as he stopped trying to control it all and let go. He hadn't ever let himself be at this level of vulnerability with anyone. He didn't know how much time passed before he'd used up all his tears. He was sure Len thought less of him now, who wouldn't? He didn't deserve to be comforted. 

As always, somehow Len seemed to know what he was thinking. "Don't even start. I don't know how you got it into your head that you deserve anything but the best, but you're wrong."

"But I-" He choked on the words. "I'm so _useless._ All these powers and what good does it d-"

"It's not your fault. So evil speedsters seem to have taken a liking to you, they're the ones destroying shit, not you." He turned Barry to look him in the eye. "You're doing as well as anyone can expect you to in this position, don't let a few accidents destroy you like this."

Barry sat up, turning away. "My _accidents_ cost people their lives."

"For every person that dies you save a bunch more."

"I know that, it's just... well, depression doesn't really care whether it's actually my fault ot not, does it? I still feel so guilty."

"And that's not just going to go away. But you don't need to struggle with it alone anymore."

Barry sighed, hands fidgeting. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to have to deal with this. I should've been more careful..."

"I knew what you were doing, I just didn't bring it up. I wanted you to tell me yourself."

"What- how?"

"You're not as good at hiding it as you think." Len gave him a look.

Barry laughed weakly. "Obviously." He leaned on the other again. "We'll be okay, then?"

"Yeah, everything's going to be fine."

**Author's Note:**

> This was written over a series of days when I was struggling so I can’t say anything for the quality of it, it’s basically a vent fic. I polished it a little and decided it was alright enough to post.


End file.
